Reminiscing

Sleep has yet to take hold of me tonight. Every so often I close my eyes or press my head in the fluff of my pillow, hoping the night will steal me away, but over and over my mind becomes stimulated with thoughts of life...who I am, who I was, who I want to be, and how I got to where I am today.

Such thoughts got me to thinking about what's to come, which is one of me very best friend's wedding in just a few weeks. As the maid of honor (with a matron on my side), I am therefore responsible for giving a speech. While these types of things aren't my favorite, they doesn't worry me.

Thinking of this speech led me to digging through some old pictures. And, well, you know how that goes. One thing leads to another, leads to another, and to another. For a girl without Facebook, I did some quality stalking tonight. Looking at photo after photo from the last 5 years felt like I was snooping on someone else's life. The difference here, however, is that I actually remember the moments that made these photos. I remember how I felt and what we did and the season of life I was in.

As I get older I realize that in time all things soften. The details of such memorable moments begin to fade and the emotions attached feel like they belonged to someone else.

Like I said before, looking at each photo reminds me of so much. The joy and the laughter. The places I've been and the moments that defined friendships. I also remember some of the fears and pains that plagued me during specific seasons. While it felt as thought life were inching by at a snail's pace, I look back and see how much I have done, how much I've accomplished, who I have met, the relationships that have changed, and the woman I've become through it all. Despite the hard things, many of which I would have traded in for table scraps, I like to think I've become a better person through it all. I am not the same as I was 5 years ago. I have seen the world and learned a lot about who I am, faults and all. I have also gained strength and character, which I deemed undesired and unnecessary long ago.

I am happy to take with me the lessons I've learned, experiences I've had, and the people I've met along the way. But I'm also happy to leave behind the pain that tortured me on so many days. It's so easy for me to remember the hard stuff (even though it softens in time) forgetting all the great memories of things past. I look back and realize how much I had to celebrate in those seasons, even the difficult ones. Even in the midst of pain I was able to laugh with friends and laugh at myself. I often take things too seriously. I get caught up in the moment and overwhelmed by my thoughts. Now I look back and think, "what was I so worried about?" In many of the pictures I saw tonight I remembered how I felt taking or looking at each photo:

• fat
• alone
• unsuccessful
• exhausted
• useless
• ugly
• unloveable 

These words are so harsh. It pains me to think I spoke those words to myself, especially when I look back and think how ridiculous I was to feel that way! But you know what? I still use those words. I still fight myself, putting down every part of my being. I've learned, but I still struggle to love and embrace myself for who I am. Perhaps if I starting loving myself then I would stop believing the lies. Actually I know that's true. But what comes first? Not hating myself or actually loving myself? Perhaps both. 

I think it's time I start living in the truth of who I am and was created to be. No more lies. 

Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist

I've become a little obsessed with author Shauna Niequist in the last few years. She was first introduced to me by my dear friend Brooke who was and still is convinced her second book, Bittersweet was the perfect book to read in the midst of any kind of transition. Graduations, your 20's, getting married, motherhood, etc. I happened to be (and still am) in my 20's "transition". After reading Bittersweet for the first time, I fell in love and eagerly attempted to convince everyone I knew to read her book. And if they didn't jump on the bandwagon right away I made it a priority and personal challenge to buy the book for them as a gift whether it was their birthday or perhaps just a rough day.

Since then I've bought and given away numerous copies of her first two books (Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet). Ironically, I don't even own a copy of Bittersweet anymore...I've happily left two personal copies in the hands of my sister (and the abyss that is her home where it was seemingly lost) and those of a dear friend who needed to read it just as much as I did.

Somehow I have still managed to read Bittersweet 2-3 times, and Cold Tangerines at least twice. Both have brought such insight, wisdom, and value to my life. Some of my fondest memories from the last few years involve sipping cups of coffee while soaking in every word of whichever of Shauna's books I happen to be in, while lounging about in my most comfy gray sweats and a sweater large enough to fit two of me. The only thing missing from such glorious days are Shauna herself, who I would one day like to thank for all she has done for me and the women I love most dearly. I did get a chance to hear her speak and take a photo with her recently. But perhaps one day we will grab coffee while overlooking the vast blue sea smothered in sunlight and I will get to properly thank her.

Until that day comes, however, I will continue reading her books and supporting her work. I most recently finished her third book, Bread and Wine, that came out just weeks ago. With a different angle but equal insight, this book also speaks to my soul. In attempt to set aside some "self-care" time in my life, I've decided to work through the four-week book club/cooking club discussion guide that's included at the end of Bread and Wine. Down the road I'd love to go through this with some of the people I love and hold dear to my heart, as Shauna intended, but until then I need to love on myself in the brief moments I have between workouts and working, meals and meetings, get-togethers and pre-wedding craft nights. After all, there is nothing wrong and absolutely everything right with a little self-care.

I've learned a lot lately...

Everyone (I use this term loosely) always (again, a loose term) says how much they've learned through a given season. I believe them, and sometimes I catch myself saying the same thing. While I fully believe other people saying it, any time I say it I think to my self, "well, ya, but like what?" In my minds it's always just been another way of saying, "I've been through a lot lately." I know that through trials wisdom is gained purely from an experience standpoint, but if someone were to ask me of a specific thing I've learned recently I'd probably say something like, "well, I've learned that depression sucks."

However, I actually feel like I have learned things lately. Tangible life lessons that are worth remembering and continuing to put into practice. I believe there is power in speaking something and putting it into words, so instead of letting those learnings get lost in my spaghetti brain, I'll write them here. More for me than for you (who I'm pretty sure doesn't exist), but if ever my thoughts become useful to someone else, then glory be. At least then I know my pains and struggles and learnings are worthwhile to more than just me.

#1 Don't procrastinate
Sounds simple right? Probably something you've been told since you were a kid and put off your science project or math homework until the very last minute. Apparently things turn out better when you aren't rushed doing them or stressing at the last minute to figure something out. I've learned recently not to procrastinate for a very different reason. I tend to worry about things that bring fear, that turn into anxiety, that make me avoid said things, hoping the issue will deal with itself. I know now that the issue will NOT deal with itself, and if you simply handle said issue early on, then surprise! No more anxiety.

#2 Just breath
It may sound silly, but sometimes I forget to breath. It usually happens when I am worried about something and thinking too hard. All of the sudden I catch myself taking a breath and think to myself, "have I been breathing this whole time?" I'm pretty sure I haven't been, which can really do a number on the body. It's on days when I stop breathing that I end up with all kids of stomach cramps and bloating. And we all know that does wonders for the already present stress at hand. So all day, every day, just breath. It can solve a myriad of problems.

#3 Nothing good or bad lasts forever
This is my mom's saying. She has a few, but this is one is my favorite. It's most helpful in the hard seasons for obvious reasons, but also forces you to appreciate the good times. Knowing a hard season will eventually end is more helpful than I could possibly describe. It truly is like the light at the end of the tunnel. Looking back, after the year I've had, and recognizing how far I've come and how much healthier I am shows that this statement is true. Even when you're at your worst, thinking life itself is over, it's really not. Eventually you will start to take baby steps towards a healthier place.

#4 You're harder on yourself than anyone will ever be
That's all.

#5 If you just start moving...
eventually you will get out of the funk you are in
eventually you will enjoy what you're doing
eventually life won't seem so heavy
eventually the end of the day will come, and tomorrow is a new day

#6 Good friends will fight to stay friends
Even through the most difficult seasons, if you're willing to fight through it, then it's probably worth it to stay friends. Sometimes friends disagree. Sometime friends aren't very friendly at all. But if you're willing to stay in the game, even when it's hard, then chances are it's worth the fight.

#7 You can't be friends with everyone.
It's just that true. You can be friendly with everyone, but there just isn't always (usually) enough room in life to maintain a deep level of friendship with all those who cross your path. At a certain point there just isn't enough time in the day, week, or month to keep up with everyone to the extent you might want to. I meet new people, great people, all the time. I see how great they are and want to be their friend, but it's just not always possible. And that's ok. This doesn't mean you can't make new friends or add people to your life, but doing so does force you to prioritize the people and time in your life very carefully. It's important to be open to new, meaningful relationships, but don't kick yourself if you can't grab coffee with everyone who says you should.

#8 If you lay down on a Sunday, you will fall asleep. And it will prevent you from going to bed at a normal hour later that day.

#9 Caffeine makes me happy