Storytime

For most people “storytime” is something set aside for sticky faced toddlers on Thursday mornings at the library or the 20 minutes with your kids before bedtime, their puppy dog eyes and whimpering lips begging for “just one more” as the night drags on closer to morning with every page. In other words, storytime isn’t really something for adults. 

Unless you go to my church, then storytime is very much for adults. It’s for pastors and admins. It’s for volunteers and life group leaders. It’s for anyone willing to see and share what God is doing in their life and the lives around them. It’s about the big things and little -- and there are a lot of both. 

For years now my church staff and ministry leaders have gathered together first thing Tuesday morning over bagels and oatmeal and enough burnt coffee to spoil our breath for the length of the long day ahead. It’s not a staff meeting and we don’t really get anything done. In all honesty it’s sometimes hard not to think of all the things I could be doing or the meeting I forgot to prepare for. Everyone wanders in at their own pace, often determined by carpool and traffic, forgotten lunch bags and stops at Starbucks. 

Our lives differ as much as our paces and task lists. We are pastors, admins, outreach coordinators and children’s directors. We are single, we are mothers, we are soccer coaches and volunteers. We are extroverts. We are introverts. Some thrive behind the scenes. Others can’t help but lead from the front. Each of us plays a different role in life and in work but one thing brings us together on Tuesday mornings: stories. 

You see, these aren’t stories like the ones in the yellowed, torn, and loved pages of the overdue library books in the backseat of your minivan. The stories we share are stories of life and ministry and where we see God at work in the world and lives around us. No story is ever complete. Some stories start at the beginning while others are still stuck in the prologue. Some stories are stuck in the middle while others seem to be reaching their climax. The thing is though, none of these stories is ever complete and God is never done. 

About a month ago, just before the start of lent, I was at storytime as usual (usual meaning ten minutes late and standing in the back). I didn’t expect anything different that day, but from the first story on I was struck by something big. The first story was about a volunteer’s recent trip to Haiti, a place I’ve been twice and plan to go back to. The familiarity of her story-the names, the people, the tasks-warmed my heart and made me both emotional and longing for something more.  

Then the next group got up. A group of 6 or so staff members who had gotten back from Berlin just the night before. They were there to do ministry. But hardly to serve. They were there to observe and learn from our church partner in Kenya who has started a branch of their church in this dark and unknowingly desperate city. Each team member spoke of their experience and what God revealed to them. Each story was powerful and meaningful and specific to that person.  

Then, finally, a girl not far from my own age, rushed up at the end as the worship leader began strumming his guitar to end our time. She had waited to the end, getting up after finally giving in the powerful nudge of the Holy Spirit. She spoke of Easter and her family. Of the small moments that have morphed into big ones in her journey praying for and inviting her family into a relationship with Jesus. She’s an admitted “crier” but her tears are so genuine. As tears streamed down her face in excited, nervous anticipation of Easter, she called us to the big thing God was revealing to her. She called us to pray BIG prayers entering the Easter season. Believing fully that God was on the verge of incredible life change in the lives of our loved ones who don’t know Jesus. 

Story after story I was more and more struck. My heartstrings were pulled completely taut, on the verge of snapping if I didn’t move forward. Then worship began and I had that moment with Jesus where he called me to something new. He called me to something he called me to long ago, but asked and directed me to wait. In the waiting he taught me new things and opened my eyes and heart to new people, experiences, and into a community of believers that have changed my life forever. But in that moment I knew the season I’m in was beginning to come to a close. The beginning of the end. The beginning of something new.  

What he called me to is something I’m still processing. Each week I seem to talk to someone new about it, but it’s yet to become public knowledge. A huge, huge part of me is scared. Scared in a way I’ve never been before. I know I need to be open with this news because after all, it’s GOOD news. I’m just not there yet. But I will be. And that’s why I am here, sharing this story. It will be the first story of many of this journey I’m on. There have been so many incredible markers already I don’t want to forgot but instead want to celebrate in invite people into. So this is me, writing my story, looking up at the end of each day with my puppy dog eyes and quivering lip begging for “just one more” story, hoping bedtime never comes. 

7 things in (almost) 7 days

Ever look back at your week and feel like nothing really significant happened, and yet so much happened? That's me, if not on a regular basis, then for sure this past week. It's easy in our fast paced world to see only the busyness before us or the craziness behind us, not recognizing the significance of the moments past or ahead. So often I am baffled by how much I feel I've been through and how much I've grown, yet not being able to verbalize all the things I have learned.

Initially when I looked back at the past week I thought, "eh, nothing really happened." And then all of the sudden my mind drug up, one by one, all the significant and insignificant moments that made my week into one worth remembering. One day I'll probably look back at the week and think only of one or two significant things, but right now when I think of this past week it feels like a perfect snapshot of life at its current stage.

And with that, here are seven things that happened in (almost) the last seven days and the thoughts that came with them. Not that I think they are all great or that you (whoever you may or may not be) care, but to me these things felt worth writing, even if just for myself as I process through them.

Thing 1: I drove to Barstow (yes, Barstow) and went to the drive-in for the first time. 

In all my years, travels and adventures, somehow I never made it as far as the drive-in. After 2 weeks of being held up hostage in my apartment with a cold, and an insane 2 weeks of back-to-back camps for my roommate/friend/travel buddy, we were both itching for adventure. With little money to spare and only a few hours to fill, we came across 2 things, one right after the other, that turned out to be one of the highlights of my summer. First we went to Elmer's Bottle Tree Ranch where we explored the eclectic mind of a sentimental artist who turned out to be just the sweetest, friendliest old man (worthy of a post in itself). Then, after a trip to the local grocery store where we purchased the fixings of a picnic dinner, we ventured to the Barstow Drive-In where we sat, ate m&m's, propped our feet out the windows while laughing, chatting and occasionally letting the outdoor air, twinkling stars and bolts of lightening catch our wandering eyes. As I sat, feet propped out the window I asked my roommate/friend/travel buddy, "do you ever end up somewhere and wonder how the heck you got there?" Well, that was me and this was exactly one of those days. And it was perfect.

Thing 2: I ate macaroons from the frozen section of Trader Joe's. 

It may not sound all that thrilling, but when you have the itch to travel, even the smallest things and slightest flavors have a way of transporting you to another land, and for a heck of a lot cheaper than a plane ticket. I've had this crazy urge to travel lately (more than normal anyways, which is already significant). With a tight budget and plenty of unexpected bills lately I can't imagine how to pull of a trip in the near future, but until that day does come, I will eat macaroons, watch movies about France, read books about Berlin and ask friends, "if you could be anywhere in the worlds right now, where would you be and what would you be doing?" (all of which I have done recently). I may be practical, but I can still be a dreamer.

Thing 3: I danced in the living room, by myself, twice. And I liked it. 

Sometimes you just need to let loose, be silly, and laugh at yourself. This is the perfect way to do just that, and if you can find a few minutes with the house to yourself, I strongly encourage you to try this.

Thing 4: I turned down the opportunity to go to Kenya. 

*Gasp!* I know I know. Why would I turn down the opportunity to go to Kenya when I've already admitted having the travel bug? Well, the truth is, I don't really know why. It was definitely not an easy decision, but one I put a lot of thought and prayer into. My rational reasons include finances and, well, mostly finances. The other part of me just had a gut feeling it wasn't the right timing. As in, YES--go, BUT not right now. I'm choosing to be OK with this answer, trusting there is a reason why and at some point it will make sense. I can't say I am totally happy with my answer, although I am confident I made the right decision. I also can't say I'm not struggling with a bout of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Insert sad face.

Thing 5: I spent a LOT of money on my car. 

This summer alone I've probably spent at least $1500 on my car. As you can imagine, I don't exactly have that kind of money lying around in the form of spare change around my house, nor do I have a secret sugar daddy to spot the bill. As the expenses first began to arise I was feeling OK. I was being responsible to take care of my car and would make the necessary payments to pay off the debt it took to make the repairs. And then something else came up. And then something else. And then something else. SERIOUSLY?? At this point I've dropped two month's worth of rent on my car and have almost another month's rent left to go. Sorry...I'm venting apparently. Point being, I've spent a lot of money that I don't have and it's actually made me start questioning why I am in ministry and making absolutely no money.  I realize now this is probably exactly what Satan wants me to think, so I have good reason to keep fighting the good fight, trusting God will somehow provide. I'm scared. I am worried I won't ever be able to pay it off nor get "ahead." But in this moment I am choosing to trust. Eventually the truth with sink in...right?

Thing 6: I went to a conference. 

I went to a conference for work and it made me think and question a lot of things in my life. What do I need to let go of in life? How should I be structuring my life in order to have a healthy and balanced life? What new things am I being called to? What is God trying to show me right now? Sure, these are always questions I have, but some of them started to sink in a little more deeply. Like, maybe I should actually pursue the answers to these questions. This one is definitely a TBD...

Thing 7: I forgot to bring a promised dish to a potluck. 

I went to a potluck this morning and previously replied to a group Evite that I would bring dessert. As I picked up a friend and she hopped in the car she asked, "aren't you bringing something to the party?" to which I immediately replied with curse words and burying my head in my hands out of shame and frustration. Then I had two options of what to do. The old me would have freaked out, stopped at the grocery store or closest place to get a semi-nice/presentable dessert, buy a platter to put it on, and spend money I don't have to cover my failure. Instead, the new me texted the hostess, kindly apologized and let her know I forgot the dessert, and asked if it was worth me stopping to pick something up on the way. Thankfully she replied graciously and said not to worry about picking anything up on the way, that we would have enough food without my addition, or lack thereof. CRISIS AVERTED. See? Look how far I have come in 26 and a half years. *Pats self on back* "Way to go, Allison. Way to go."

There you have it. 7 things in almost 7 days. So much from an otherwise uneventful week in my life.

What happened in the last seven days of YOUR life?

About My 20's

I could spend days writing about life in my 20's and still not be able to explain these years adequately nor understand them to begin with. As a 20-something each day begins with a pregnant pause of anticipation-What's to come? What does this day hold? Who will cross my path? Moments pass by at a snail's pace, and then before you know it you're living an entirely different life than you were just 6 months ago. It's impossible to keep up with the days, each one abandoning me before I have the chance to get even the slightest grip on it. I know I am being shaped and formed into the person I will one day say I am, but there is no way now for me to tell you who that will be. You actually probably have a better idea of who I am than I even do.

20's are about so many things. They are about forging relationships and breaking the bad ones off. They are about being broken and rebuilt. They are about late nights with best friends driving down PCH with music blasting out the windows and about gaining and losing weight as if your life depends on it. 20's are about spur of the moment adventures with no one to answer to and road trips to destinations off the beaten path. In your 20's you scrimp by to make ends meet, and sometimes choose to forget you're broke and spend the money anyways. In your 20's there are a tears and college debt and more cartons of ice cream that I'd like to admit. From 20-29 a lot happens and a lot changes. Despite being one decade, both ends couldn't look more different.

Tonight, being a 20-something meant dancing in my living room to music blaring from my iPhone simply because that sounded like a heck of a lot more fun than a run, walk, or popping in some boot camp-kick-your-ass DVD. As you may have read, I went through a really difficult season not too long ago, although it's starting to feel further and further away from my present. I struggled and fought and cried in the shower until I could get myself together just enough to play normal.

But now I'm on the other side and I'm ready to have fun. I'm choosing to believe the rest of my 20's will be marked by joy. In these next few years I will laugh with friends and more importantly, laugh at myself. I will travel. I will sing as I drive at the top of my lungs knowing full well the car next to me bears witness to my insanity. I will dance in my living room on a Thursday night, music as loud as my little phone can manage, leaving a sink full of dishes and 4-day old pile of laundry to fend for themselves. I will do all these things in the name of joy, for the sake of my sanity and enjoying the life I've been given.

I dream and yet I wait

I'm sad for not having written more this summer-to save the memories in my personal time capsule. But on the other side, it's been a memorable summer, one where I'm not sure ill need documentation in order to remember the bits and pieces that have filled my days. It's a wonderous thing, what time will do for you.

Just last summer I was going through the motions awaiting something. What? I did not know and still don't fully grasp. But I see God at work. I see what he has done and what he is doing. Not long ago I was very seriously considering some major life changes. Moving, quitting, starting over. But something inside me, the Holy Spirit I suppose, kept me from making those life altering decisions. Something in me said, "not rigt now, I have something else for you." I did not understand and honestly wanted nothing more than to ignore those words and do what I wanted to do.  But I knew better. And besides, I'm fortunately/unfortunately one of those people who always does the right thing, no matter how much I wish I could let that go sometimes.  Anyways, I chose to follow that voice telling me to stay with one stipulation-if I'm gonna stay, I need a reason to stay.

Somehow through a series of events, opportunities, and changes I took the bold step to knock on some doors. More specifically, I put myself out there, feeling vulnerable and unguarded, for a new job opportunity. Well, that job didnt work out for me, but that did open the door for something I never saw coming a year go. The position I know hold (a promotion) was a job that just a few months prior I told friends I would never be interested. The position seemed awful and a drag-something that would tie me down to a career path I wasn't sold out to.

But then I started to see the job through new eyes. What once seemed miserable left, simplifying the job before me to it's bare bones, ready to be fattened up again in a new and fresh way. And apparently I was the one to do the fattening. I can't say I feel fully equipped for this job. I was well prepared for it in many ways, but honestly feel like I am beig taught more than I'm teaching. I can't say yet that I'm a benefit to others. Each day I walk into work I play boss. I am playing my new role and figuring it out as I go along. I'm in a learning curve that I know God has called me to. My time is not finished in ministry. Whatever step he has for me ahead he is preparing me for now. The things I'm learning now are different than the last 5 years, and feel very specifically designed for me to learn. As if God has a check off list of things he wants me to learn. I went through phase one and now I'm moving to phase two. I have a feeling these phases may never end.

I wonder what's in store. I wonder what lies ahead for me. But I know I've been called to this time and the season will be short. Ill never get these days back nor will I experience life the way I am today. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will lose the opportunity to experience today first hand. All I can do is live today being fully present, taking with me what God is teachig from the moments he has given me. I dream and yet I wait, savoring the moments before me and stowing them away in my pocket like a treasured coin or favorite toy.

Filling in the Pieces

It's been too long since I last wrote. I know this because there is an ache inside of me craving to put pen to paper, words to screen. 

I'm in a season of life, like everyone on the planet, where time passes by and it feels as though nothing has changed and yet everything has changed. After meeting up with friends I haven't seen in a while they tend to ask, "so what's new?" and I have nothing to say. While that's partly true, it's never entirely true. Where my life may sometimes lack visible, tangible or countable changes, There is always something going on inside of me. In the depths of my soul God is working things out, slowly bringing me into new chapters of life. As an introvert I am always thinking. I've been told that people are either past or  future minded, always living in one or the other state. I know for a FACT I am of the future minded thinkers, always dreaming of the future and what's to come. What will my life be like in 5 years? When will I have a family? When and where will I move? What will I do for work? Where will I travel? WHAT IS GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE?

That last question. That one is the one ever present question that just never seems to get answered or go away. I'm realizing  however that I am IN God's plan. I am living it right now. If only I could be more present in that reality. Always a work in progress...

I'm truly enjoying life though. For once in a long while I can say I am genuinely happy. Things are not perfect, but overall I am in a good, healthy place. I feel normal! I'm choosing to believe that I am healed of depression. Healed of anxiety. Healed of my sleep issues. The first two I see the results, the last one I believe even though I don't see it. God is at work and not finished. The kinks are being worked out...the food, the sleep, the schedule. I'm figuring out what makes me happiest and how to have more of that in my life. My goal for 2013 was to just be happy. At the start if this year all I wanted wasting be filled with joy and live a happy life. Well, it's only July and I've succeeded this far! Who needs weight loss goals and bucket list items to cross off when you can just be happy!? After all, is t that the whole point of New Year's Resolutions? To do things that will make you happy? Well I say just cut to the chase then...just be happy! I know, easier said than done, but like my mom says, sometimes you just have to just have to decide on something and let God fill in the pieces! 

Speaking of which, I decided to contact someone at my church about being interested in the Kenya trip for November. So many things brought me to that point, enough that the reasons alone are worth another post entirely. As of now, I don't know if I am approved or able to go, but I feel as though I've taken the first step and now it's time for God to fill in the pieces if that is his desire for my life. Only time will tell, but at least the clock is ticking. 

Allison Elizabeth 

Jealousy and Joy

Part of growing up, particularly in your 20's, means discovering the best and worst parts of yourself. As I get older I become more and more secure about who I am as a person, what my gifts are and what I'm good at. At the same time, it's also a season where I am beginning to recognize the severity of my faults. I may be young and still have a lifetime of learning ahead of me, but after 26 years I've managed to spend a lot of time with myself and figure out a few things in the process. 

 

This week I've discovered both sides of the coin, seeing faults in myself that I've always known were there to some extent, while also seeing some of the unique gifting God has blessed me with. 

Growing up with very little I have always found it far too easy to compare myself to others, using their life to gauge how much or little I had. Not only that, but I use others to gauge my weight, my beauty, success, intelligence, gifts...you name it, I've compared it. In comparing myself I not only judge others but myself. Somehow I am always better or worse than someone else. 

This I hate about myself. 

So, after 26 years and a whole lot of comparisons, I've realize that I am a jealous person. I envy the lives of others, being ungrateful for what I have been given. "The grass is always greener on the other side" but it's true if you were in my shoes. At least that's what motto I've become victim to. It's like I have this perfect life in my head of what I have and who I am perceived to b and I'm fighting for all of it to be true. Instead of living the life I have and embracing all of it's parts, I see others and wish I had what they had. The job. The schedule. The boyfriend-fiance-husband. The kids. They home. The adventures. The life. In the process of wanting all those things I have become completely ungrateful for the life I have. It's an ugly thing and an ugly place to be. 

On the other side of the coin, I have moments watching other people "succeed" in life where I could not be happier for them. I literally have so much joy for them I cannot contain it, nor do I know what to do with it. In those moments---a new job, marriage, child---nothing about my life matters. All I can think about is how exciting this is for them, what a blessing it is to be a part of it, and how I cannot wait to see what God will do in the lives of these friends, near and dear to my heart. 

The joy I feel in these moments is totally selfless. 

Reflecting back on both emotions, it's easy to choose which way I'd rather feel. Jealousy or joy? It's not even a hard question. No person on earth would choose to feel jealous. But the thing is, although joy is the obvious answer, choosing joy doesn't give you all of your heart's desires. Choosing jealousy totally eradicates the possibility of joy. Choosing joy means giving up all sense of desire replacing it with a love that is selfless. When jealousy is present there is no joy, when true joy is present there is no jealousy. 

If joy is the obvious answer, why do I so often fall back on jealousy? Like I said, it's an ugly emotion no person wants or wants to be around. Honestly, when jealousy is present I don't even want to be around myself. 

I think it's time to choose joy. It may not be easy -- if it were I would have done it already. I don't honestly even know how to do this fully. But if the first step is acknowledging and accepting where my heart is at, then I can at least say I've done that. First step: check. Second check: Lord help me. 

A Toast

For Becky and Francis on their wedding day...

It's a little bit baffling to me that I have the privilege of standing next to Becky and Francis on their Big Day. In the grand scheme of things I've only really known Becky for three years, and Francis only the last year. But if in a year Becky and Francis can meet, fall in love, and marry, then I guess it's possible for me to end up next to them as they cinch the deal. 

Through my friendship with Becky I've learned that it doesn't take a lot of time to become part of someone's "home team" but it does take a lot of laughter, tears, and a few trips to El Ranchito. What I mean by the "home team" is the people in your life who know your best and worst and love you anyways, the people you call when your car breaks down or meet you for yogurt just days before your wedding for your last "single-girls'-hurrah." The people on your home team let you interrupt study sessions when you're having a meltdown and they come alongside you for moral support as you rummage through one sample sale after the other. 

In the case of Becky and Francis their home team got to be there at what became the start of Becky and Francis. We got to watch as Becky ran to the kitchen to hide behind the fridge as Francis showed up at the front door for the first time-braces on and backpack ready to go. We were there to wish them off on their first date and to convince Becky to give Francis a shot when just five minutes out the door we got texts saying that Francis was "too skinny" and that it "wasn't gonna happen." Well, as we can all see, it did happen, and on behalf of your home team we couldn't be happier to celebrate this day with you. So on this memorable day, we pray for bountiful blessings, an abundance of chubby babies, and most importantly, for a marriage that gives us all something to aspire to.  

To Becky & Francis!

(Inspired by "The Home Team" in Shauna Niequist's Bittersweet)