I've been back almost a week now and already I find myself fighting to hold on to the truths that I experienced during my time in Haiti. What's not difficult to hold on to are the images burned in my mind of the faces we met and the children we call our own who deserve more than anyone to have a place to call home.
Walking off the plane I was hit with a wall of cool air, abruptly reminding me that I am home. Not only that I am home, but that I am entering back into a reality I sometimes wish was not my own. It's not that I don't love home. After a week of eating everything dried, packaged, and sealed while at the same time bloating to the size of a submerged bean bag chair, it's easy to look forward to the comforts of home. While I washed away 7 hours of plane rides and a weeks worth of sweat I am convinced were sealed in my pores, I couldn't help but think about all the things I wanted to hold on to. The kids. The faces. The love of God. The passion of the people. The joy I experinced. The learnings I gained and so much more the most descriptive words could not explain. A shower might be nice, but hearing 25 little voices raised in worship with their hands raised and their hearts glad is far more desirable.
It's amazing what God will reveal to you when you finally turn off the T.V., stop drowning your sorrows in bitterness and complaints and actually do something worthy of our creation. While I recognize the power of what we did for the people of Haiti in both a tangible and spiritual sense, I can't help but recognize the benefits of such a trip for my soul. Coming from a world of plenty, not experiencing much "want" in the true sense of the word, going to Haiti, or any third world country, is an incredible pallet cleanser. Like sniffing coffee beans after smelling too many perfumes, sipping wine after each cheese, or tasting sorbet after a savory meal, leaving home to do something not for yourself is a perfect release from the world that binds us. If sniffing too many perfumes dulls the senses and numbs our ability to truly appreciate the scent in our nose, then obsessing about the stresses of life, stopping by Trader Joe's "just one more time" or coming home to complain about work after a long day are just as likely to dull our senses and numb our minds. We go through the motions, appreciating nothing, yet experiencing so much beauty.
Before leaving on my trip I was struggling with the desire to spend time with God. As in, I wanted to want him more than I did. I gave myself grace, trusting it was just a season, but also didn't do a whole lot to change the way I felt. I prayed. I didn't read my Bible much, and the few times I've sat in church the last few months felt dry and monotonous. But in my prayers I was honest with God about how I felt. I figure, tis better to be angry with someone than to now care at all. Not caring shows complacency, and if I could at least be honest with God, then I knew I still cared and the feelings wouldn't last forever. It's amazing what 7 days, 14 teams members, devotional time together, and lots of time to think and focus on one thing (God) can do. However, what really fired me up and actually prompted me to feel passion again was the time we spent with young leaders, eager to serve God and desperately eager to worship him. It took nothing more for them to raise their voices in worship than a bus ride home after a long, service filled day. And I can't even bring myself to lift my hands when I'm surrounded by 3,000 people who've come together to purposely serve God! Pathetic. Truly pathetic.
I am thankful for those young leaders. I am thankful for the lives they have lived and where God has brought them. I am thankful he used their lives and their hearts to show me what more I am missing out on. It's hard not to love when you see people in love. Like new lovebirds eager to please and sing praises of each other, these leaders were passionately in love with their maker. I want to be in love too! I want that relationship! All of the sudden I realize how lonely being lonely is. We were not made to be alone. We were made to be one with our God who loves us more than we could possibly imagine. My God is a great BIG God and I am eager to please him.
Allison Elizabeth
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